


Fear of Loss

by luisaakainsane



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Crystal Palace F.C., Death, Fear, Football, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmare, Paris - Freeform, Rangers Football Club, Terror, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 17:04:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18642373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luisaakainsane/pseuds/luisaakainsane
Summary: Danny finds out that Martin was in Paris when the terror happened.





	Fear of Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this fiction back in 2015. A very good friend translated it for me since her written English is much better than mine.
> 
> Reviews and/or kudos are very welcome.

His eyes wide open in shock, Danny stared at his laptop’s screen which he had positioned on his lap. He was checking the breaking news, reading headlines about the terror attacks in Paris. But suddenly, there was the message causing the Scot immediately to pause for a moment.

“ _English professional football player safe”_ big letters announced on the screen, accompanied with a photo of his former team mate and buddy – Martin Kelly.

Danny was staring at the page for several minutes, not moving an inch. Again and again he was reading the article, trying to understand what had happened. Trying to understand the fistful of sentences.

Danny felt his heart pounding against his chest, his hands shaking. Martin was in Paris, the city in which many innocent people had been killed by some sick fanatics.

“Fuck!” he yelled after waking up from his trance. He continued scrolling down fast, wanted to read the rest of the article as well to make sure that the other one was well, that nothing had happened to him.

_Crystal Palace’s defender Martin Kelly has been in Paris at the time of the attacks. The 25 year-old’s response to questions about his well-being is an “all clear”._

Relieved, the Scot closed his laptop and let out a deep breath. Resting his elbows on the device, he buried his face in his hands and kept repeating it like a mantra in his mind: “He is fine.” He didn’t know in this moment what he would have done in case something had happened to Martin. Had maybe even died. There was still so much he wanted to tell his buddy … Danny hectically shook his head. Nope, he didn’t even want to think of that. The older one was fine, and that was all that mattered.

Surely but constantly fatigue started to kick in. The practice sessions, and the shock were taking their toll, so Danny yawned loudly. With his laptop in his arms, he got up from the couch. The Glaswegian tramped to his bedroom where he stopped for a moment. He looked at his big bed and let his gaze wander about. The big photo collage hanging above his desk was where he stopped looking. Slowly, Danny walked up to it and placed the laptop on the desk before he took a closer look at the photos.

Each and every of the photos told a story, bringing back memories of the Scot’s adolescence, his time in Liverpool, but especially memories of Martin.

A soft smile found its way to Danny’s lips. He could remember the day the photo that showed him and Martin laughing had been taken well. An afternoon practice session in which the players had to do partner exercises, and the Scot was more than happy that he had been assigned to Martin. The early concentration had soon vaporized as his buddy had told him a joke. Danny had to laugh out loud, and Martin was laughing heartily as well. A crooked smile crossed his face when he discovered the pic of them in their fancy black suits, taken on Hillsborough Memorial Day 2011. How gorgeous Martin had been looking …

Sad and slouchy, Danny missed the good old times in Liverpool, missed his best friend Martin with whom he had experienced so much.

Sometimes, the Scot was wondering why he never made it in Liverpool, why he always was sent away or on loan with other clubs. Was he that bad of a footballer?

He should just quit moping, but be glad instead to be back in his hometown, playing for the club he loved so much. Of course it was, from an athlete’s point of view, a decline when he left Hearts of Midlothian and signed with the Rangers in summer. But Danny hadn’t cared about that, the Rangers were the club where everything had started, the club which had made him a professional player.

He had to yawn again. He should really go to sleep now, relax and take his mind off from the torturing thoughts he’d been having. He tore his eyes away from the pictures, grabbed his PJs, and made his way to the bathroom where the Scot got ready for the night.

Worn out from the day and the shock he had suffered, he fell on his bed and was sound asleep not much later. His sleep that night was unruly and light. Danny kept tossing and turning and woke up as well at times. His subconscious, however, decided to annoy him: he was dreaming of Liverpool and Martin, but also of Paris.

With sweat on his forehead and panic-stricken, Danny woke with a start. This dream … it had been so terrible and felt so real.

“Martin”, he whispered into the darkness of his room and felt this suspicious burning behind his eyes. He was shaking all over his body, had a hard time to calm down again. He couldn’t get the images out of his head again. He saw the many dead people, the injured ones. But the worst was the image of Martin, his best friend, lying lifeless and soaked in blood on the cold tarmac.

“Dammit!” He no longer could resist the tears that were coming. He let them flow, lay down again and buried his face in his pillow. The silence in his room had made way for a quiet, yet audible sobbing. A fragile “Kells …” left Danny’s lips. He needed the older one, couldn’t be without him, even though they were seeing each other once in a blue moon only. But a life without Martin was unthinkable for Danny.

He rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling. His mind was racing, and he couldn’t catch a break. Sleep was entirely out of the question, so he made a decision. Danny was going to drive to London. He had to go to Martin, had to check if he really was okay. The Scot had to be convinced that nothing had happened to the other. He had to pull him into a tight hug – and preferably never let him go again.

The Scot checked his phone and saw that it was already past 4 am, so he decided to get up anyway and pack a couple of things he needed for his trip to London. He had a long way ahead of him and calculated that he should arrive there at approximately 11 am, if everything went fine traffic wise. Now he just had to hope that his buddy was going to be at home.

After traveling for over 400 kilometers, the younger man finally had arrived at his destination. He felt relieved when he realized that it wasn’t even 11 am, yet. Traffic had been less than he had anticipated, but that was just fine with him. He took a deep breath and got out of his car. His legs felt like jelly when he walked up to his best friend’s house. So far, he’d only managed to visit the taller guy in his new domicile once, but still had found his way there immediately and without any problems. Probably that was because he wanted to, make that _had to_ , see Martin so bad.

Once he had reached the door, the Scot stopped dead in his tracks. He took a couple of deep breaths and exhaled again, nervously kneading his fingers. He didn’t really know what to say, how to react once he was standing face to face with Martin. After all that had happened, it felt absolutely inappropriate to Danny to just ask “Hey, how you’re doing?” How should someone who’d been in Paris on the day of the attacks and considered to be one of the victims possibly be doing?

But before he could think about it any further, Danny had lifted his hand and placed his forefinger on the doorbell button – and eventually rang the doorbell. He felt an ever growing lump in his throat as time passed by. Maybe the older one wasn’t even at home. Maybe he should’ve let him know in advance. Maybe –

Suddenly, there were footsteps which got louder as they came nearer to the door. Danny had to swallow. Soon, he’d open the door. He felt his heart pounding in his chest like a jackhammer, as his heartrate went up enormously.

And then the door opened. “Hi”, a young woman who was visibly surprised greeted him.

Immediately, Danny’s entire body felt tense. He should’ve known beforehand that Kath would be there. After all, she was Martin’s girlfriend. “Hey”, he said almost tongue-tied and drooped his shoulders.

“Can I help you?”

“I – I”, the Scot stuttered and awkwardly scratched the back of his head. “I’m Danny and I wanted to see Martin.”

“Oh, the famous Danny”, Kath laughed. “Mart has talked about you a lot. He often talks about you and your time together.”

Danny blinked and looked at her, while he felt a certain glow in his cheeks. Martin was talking about him often? “I wanted to –“

“Danny!” Suddenly, a widely smiling Martin was standing in front of him. “Oh God, Danny!” He was pulled into a tight hug next, and instinctively, Danny wrapped his arms around the familiar body, burying his head in the crook of the taller guy’s neck. He deeply breathed his best friend’s scent, closed his eyes and enjoyed the closeness he’d been missing so much.

Kath was watching the scene unfolding in front of her with a slight chuckle. She could clearly see how much it meant to the two of them to finally have their reunion. “Guys”, she harrumphed after a couple of moments, “why don’t you just go inside? It’s homelier there.”

Slowly, the two young men disengaged their embrace and smiled at each other. “Come on in”, Martin said, grabbed his buddy’s wrist, led him inside and sat down with him on the big couch.

“I’ll leave you guys alone”, Kath who had stopped at the door to the living room said. “I’ll meet up with a friend.” Having spoken those words she was gone. Danny wondered about the rather cold farewell. Why didn’t she give Martin a goodbye kiss?

“It’s great to have you here”, Martin said.

It was Martin’s words which yanked Danny out of his thoughts. He briefly shook his head before he turned his attention to the older guy. “I …” he started quietly, while he looked down at his hands which he had folded in his lap. “I was scared shitless, Martin. After everything that had happened, which I had read, I had to come here! I had to make sure you’re okay. That you’re alive!” Danny lifted his head and looked at Martin. He had to pull himself together to avoid break out in tears.

“Danny.” Hearing his name coming from Martin’s mouth, hearing it spoken so soft, so affectionate, pushed him over the edge. Silently, the tears were rolling down his cheeks, made him turn away from Martin. No, he didn’t want Martin to see him cry, didn’t want the man who caused heart palpitations to see him so vulnerable and weak.

Another soft “Danny” coming from Martin’s lips. Startled, he flinched when he felt a hand touching his. Carefully, the Scot lifted his head again. “All’s fine and well”, Martin assured him while slightly pressing his hand.

But Danny shook his head. “No Martin. Nothing’s fine and well”, he quietly sobbed. “I was fucking terrified for your life!” His voice was a bit louder than he had intended to, but he couldn’t go on. “I had a dream last night in which I saw you lying dead on the street, that they got you, too, that I lost you.”

Martin had to swallow hard. He had never seen the younger guy this upset. “But it –“

“Was just a dream. I know. But it felt so damn real. Shit, Martin, I need you!” He desperately clung to the older one, squeezed himself as much as he could against him. “I just can’t go on without you. The distance, those feelings … I can’t take it anymore!” he sobbed, his eyes tightly closed. All those bottled-up emotions of the past couple of months had to get out. They were eating him alive on the inside, destroying him bit by bit. He had to think of Martin all the time, could hardly concentrate. His team mates had also realized already that something was bothering him. But Danny had only put them off, couldn’t really tell them what was going on with him. He didn’t believe that the lads were homophobic, or would throw him under the bus by talking to the press, but he simply couldn’t tell anyone. Not even his mother, with whom he had a fantastic relationship, knew about his feelings for Martin.

Things in Martin’s brain were rattling. He had to adjust the little speech the Scot had just delivered to him, and the Londoner tried to make sense of what the other had wanted to tell him. He comfortingly caressed his back and simply held him in his arms. “Oh Danny,” he mumbled into the shorter one’s hair.

“You’re everything to me,” he heard the Scot say quietly, and then he knew.

Martin had been having a hunch for quite some time already when it came to Danny’s feelings. After all, the younger one had always wanted to be close to him, but when they had last met, everything had been different. The Glaswegian had literally beamed when they saw each other, had looked at Martin in a way he’d never seen before. The expression in the other’s eyes had become warmer, more affectionate.

Listening closely to that voice inside him, he had to admit to himself that it was just the same when it came to himself. Danny and him – it’d been love at first sight, in a way. Of course, it’d been strictly on a friendly level at first – the hugs, the glances, every single touch. But at some point, Martin, too, had to confess that the Scot was arousing feelings in him he hadn’t known before.

Not even any of his ex-girlfriends had been able to make Martin feel this good, this free, and this whole. Danny had always been his first go to when he had troubles, or wasn’t feeling well. The Scot was simply understanding him.

Thus happened what had to happen. Suddenly, there was this warm, tingling feeling as soon as he heard just Danny’s name. All of a sudden, he realized how pretty Danny was. How his eyes were sparkling when he was excited. Martin had to admit to himself that he’d fallen in love with Danny, his best friend.

Realizing this fact of course scared him at first. As a professional football player, you didn’t fall in love with your best friend who also happened to be a pro player. That was just not done. And because he was sure that the whole thing was hopeless, anyway, he had tried to suppress his feelings and had gone on the prowl to look for a girlfriend.

“Hey.” Danny gently pushed his best friend away. “Danny, look at me, please.” He placed two fingers underneath the shorter one’s chin and carefully lifted Danny’s head.

As soon as their eyes met, Martin could see it all over again: this warmth, affection … Delicate goosebumps were spreading all over his body, and he felt this tingling inside him again. He meticulously studied his counterpart’s face, trying to remember each and every small detail. Once he reached Danny’s eyes again, his heart started beating faster. The mix of green and blue was so fascinating, so captivating that the Londoner _couldn’t_ turn away.

He lifted his free hand and placed it against his friend’s cheek. He caressed Danny’s cheekbone: “My Little Boy.” he quietly laughed. Even though their height difference was only four centimeters, Danny was his “Little Boy”.

Awkwardly, the Scot tried to turn his head, as he felt the rush of passion in his cheeks, but the older man knew how to prevent that. “Don’t”, he whispered and cupped the younger’s face with his hands.

“Martin.” Danny firmly closed his eyes and felt his heart racing. What was the other doing to him? Everything inside him seemed to topple upside down, the butterflies in his stomach were fluttering busily to and fro. He felt really hot, and definitely enjoyed the unexpected, close intimacy with the other guy. But at the same time, he was also afraid. Afraid that this was just a dream, his imagination running wild. Afraid that Martin only wanted to calm him down, comfort him – on a friendly basis.

Danny was just about to open his eyes when he felt something on his lips. Martin had tenderly brushed his own lips against the Scot’s. He was clinging to his best friend’s shirt, but otherwise, he was almost paralyzed. He didn’t want to move, didn’t want Martin’s lips which felt so perfect to leave his.

The taller guy took Danny’s behavior as positive sign, so that he slightly intensified the pressure, started moving his lips. Surprised, Danny clung even more to him, as far as this was still possible, and carefully and hesitatingly returned the moves. It still felt way too good to be true. Cautiously, the two pairs of lips were moving against each other, while they were deliberated not to rush into anything. And even though this kiss was so innocent, Martin had to realize that their kiss was basically the most beautiful one he had ever shared with someone.

Startled, the Londoner opened his eyes again as he tasted something salty. He let go of Danny, looked at him, concerned. Again, he saw tears running down Danny’s cheeks. And again, he felt a sting in his heart.

Danny buried his face in his hands. “I love you”. He blubbered out these words so heartbreakingly that Martin couldn’t help but wrap his best friend into his arms.

“Danny.” Martin placed a kiss on the other guy’s ear while rubbing his friend’s back. “I got you, Danny.”

Martin knew that they still had a lot to talk about, but that could wait. He didn’t want to ruin this intimate moment by starting to talk about the Kath issue. No, the Londoner just wanted to hold Danny in his arms and enjoy the moments. That was exactly what he had desired.

Slowly, he leaned backwards, pulling the shorter guy with him, who immediately squeezed himself closer to him, resting his head against Martin’s chest.

“You’re never gonna lose me”, the older one whispered, running a hand through his friend’s hair before he closed his eyes while a smile crossed his lips.

 


End file.
